Day 9

I dont know if this is all part of the detox but my mind is so blank and i’m finding it hard to write.
Anyhow here goes.

Last night I had a dream about drinking. It was so vivid. I remember how I so badly wanted to have a drink and how I had an inner argument with myself, with my conscience. I know that feeling so well, in reality. The argument I have within myself whether to drink or not, even when I know I must’nt or shouldn’t because of the consequences I still land up drinking.. I find reasons and excuses why I should and why it will be ok if i do, and it never is.

Thinking back, so many events and bad things that have happened to me have purely been because of my drinking. It stuns me that I have’nt learnt from these things. Some minor and some major.. and I mean major, could’ve been truly tragic.

One of these times was the night before my daughters 7th birthday, I thought it would be ok to meet some friends for a few drinks… a few ended up being and all night bender. I was on my way home and I fell asleep behind my steering wheel in the early hours of the morning. My car rolled across a main intersection into the oncoming traffic, as early risers were on there way to work already. I woke to a woman screeming at me.. My car had just connected the rear end of her car and I was extremely lucky that my car did not roll straight into the wall. I was still very drunk and couldn’t really understand what was going on. The only thing i knew and the only thing that concerned me was that I was not home and my daughter would wake to open her birthday presents and I would not be home.

I was in a state. A really bad state. The cops arrived shortly. All I could do was cry. I was so very lucky that the police officer took sympathy on me and did not arrest me. Instead he drove me to my front door in my own vehicle.
I got off lucky.

The consequences of my actions: Missing my daughters birthday, not seeing her open her presents and disappointing one of the people I love more than life itself.

I will live with that for the rest of my life. With the guilt amd the regret. I can’t change the past but i can change the future. So for today I am another day sober.

Day 8

Still sober…

Day 7

Depression 0/10
Anxiety 7/10
O.C.D 7/10
Cravings 5/10
Motivation 8/10

Have had a really stressful day today. Running around after 4 children in this scorching heat has been very trying. My anxiety levels are high but I have’nt thought of drinking. I havent even thought of smoking.. but there is something else that has crossed my mind. I’m not ready to write about it though.

It’s got me thinking about my past and how addiction runs more deep within me than i admit and probably even realize. I have had a pattern with substance abuse from my teens up until now (34). Is addiction genetic or is it purely bad habit thats been developed over time?

I don’t know. But either way i’m still sober and thats what really matters.

Day 6

Depression 0/10
Anxiety 2/10
O.C.D 1/10
Cravings 6/10
Motivation 7/10

Although i didnt sleep well last night I woke up feeling content with the world. No inner battles as I normally wake to or dread for the day ahead. I woke up earlier than normal so I had some time to myself, I have forgotten how lovely the early morning is… the sound of the birds chirping and the feeling of the world awaking. I lit a stick of incense and opened the sliding door, the air was crisp and fresh… I inhaled deeply and felt a sense of inner peace. Sitting on the door step in the cool morning air I took a few moments to give thanks to the universe and the Lord for blessing me with this new day, full of new opportunity.

I usually hate the mornings, my anxiety rockets through the roof with all the noise and chaos with the children. This morning was very different, it was calm and organised, and i enjoyed it… alot! Now before you get the impression that I woke up with a hangover every morning let me put you into perspective. I have an underlying problem with depression and anxiety, I am currently not on any medication as i have decided to try do the battle naturally. I will talk about the reasons for my depression and anxiety at a later stage. I am what is know as a binge drinker.. One always turns into one too many, followed by regret and remorse and “oh shit, what happened?!” So, this morning was enjoyable, the first of many to come i hope. The day as a whole was great and although there were a few instances i could’ve completely flown off the handle, I managed to keep my temper under control.

So, Day 6 of no drinking and no smoking and I haven’t had any serious craving for either yet. My appetite has increased alot and i am craving more sugar than normal, chocolate has never looked or tasted this good. I’m also drinking alot of water, especially soda water and taking my mroning vitamins. So far so good.

I have decided to change the way I am going to rate my moods. Originally i thought of rating out of 10, 1 being the worst, 5 in between and 10 the best. Instead I will work on a sliding scale of 0 being great and 10 the worst. Makes more sense when you read 10/10 for depression, would that mean I have wonderful depression? haha..

Day 5

So in this process of staying sober i have decided to do a daily rating on my feelings. I think this will help in my journey of sobriety as emotions are a huge trigger for me. If i’m sad i want a drink, if i’m angry i want a drink, if i’m excited i want a drink. Situations are a trigger too. When i’m bored or frustrated I want to go for drinks.. It’s going to be interesting to see how my emotions and situations affect my craving or urges to drink.

Not decided yet, but i think i will rate on the following, out of 10. 1 being the worst, 5 in between and 10 the best:
Depression
Anxiety
O.C.D
Cravings
Motivation

Going to give it some more thought.

Day 4

Went out for dinner this eve to celebrate my boyfriends birthday. I am pooped and ready to sleep… Just thought i’d drop a few lines.

Still Sober!! Day 4 of no alcohol and smoking. Thought i would battle in a social environment, being around people drinking and getting merry. I didnt feel any urge or temptation to drink or smoke. I’m quiet surprized that it was so easy. I know for certain it won’t be this easy everytime.

Can’t keep my eyes open. Doing this too late and my brain has already switched off… can’t express myself. Will start writing earlier as of tomorrow.

Day 3

Still so tired today. Can feel my body craving the sugar and the carbs that i get from alcohol.. like a subtle withdrawl. I’ve just wanted to stuff my face all day… with chocolate and biscuits. Trying to eat healthy and keep myself busy, but feeling so lethargic and this makes me feel edgy and irritable. Don’t feel like doing anything but have a list of things i want to do, like goal setting, want to get these things done so I am going to force myself to do it tomorrow.

I have a constant war in my head with myself, criticizing my actions and my lack of enthusiaszm. Need to just chill out and stop putting so much pressure on myself. I guess it all comes down to my addictive nature. My perfectionist streak and the tendency to be a control freak. I hear the words in my head “if you fail to plan, you plan to fail” and “the only thing you can be in control of is yourself”.

So tomorrow i will start with my goal setting and planning a routine and schedule. I will get this right one day at a time. At least today I am sober.

Sleep time….

Day 2

Too tired to write. Still recovering… *yawn*

Day 1

It has been an extremely long day…. it seemed to drag on forever. Nurturing a sincerely severe hangover from New years eve whilst taking care of my children is NOT my idea of fun!!!
Feel super positive about my sobriety mission, especially when i feel like this. The thought of never having to deal with a hangover again just seems too good to be true! What was meant to be a couple of innocent drinks ended up in debortury… AGAIN! (Urban dictionary definition – Debortury: Lavish amounts of alcohol that results in many immature happenings, cheating on girlfriends, a best kebab, and a really shit morning, due to acohol poisoning.)
I just have to come to terms with the fact that i simply CANNOT drink. Not even one! As they say one is too much and a million never enough. So in writing this blog i am hoping to come to terms with my drinking problem, to accept that i will not drink again and to learn to live a life without alcohol (which terrifies me) Also to connect with peeps that have the same problem as i do. And through doing all this i hope to achieve 365 days of sobriety.