I dont know if this is all part of the detox but my mind is so blank and i’m finding it hard to write.
Anyhow here goes.
Last night I had a dream about drinking. It was so vivid. I remember how I so badly wanted to have a drink and how I had an inner argument with myself, with my conscience. I know that feeling so well, in reality. The argument I have within myself whether to drink or not, even when I know I must’nt or shouldn’t because of the consequences I still land up drinking.. I find reasons and excuses why I should and why it will be ok if i do, and it never is.
Thinking back, so many events and bad things that have happened to me have purely been because of my drinking. It stuns me that I have’nt learnt from these things. Some minor and some major.. and I mean major, could’ve been truly tragic.
One of these times was the night before my daughters 7th birthday, I thought it would be ok to meet some friends for a few drinks… a few ended up being and all night bender. I was on my way home and I fell asleep behind my steering wheel in the early hours of the morning. My car rolled across a main intersection into the oncoming traffic, as early risers were on there way to work already. I woke to a woman screeming at me.. My car had just connected the rear end of her car and I was extremely lucky that my car did not roll straight into the wall. I was still very drunk and couldn’t really understand what was going on. The only thing i knew and the only thing that concerned me was that I was not home and my daughter would wake to open her birthday presents and I would not be home.
I was in a state. A really bad state. The cops arrived shortly. All I could do was cry. I was so very lucky that the police officer took sympathy on me and did not arrest me. Instead he drove me to my front door in my own vehicle.
I got off lucky.
The consequences of my actions: Missing my daughters birthday, not seeing her open her presents and disappointing one of the people I love more than life itself.
I will live with that for the rest of my life. With the guilt amd the regret. I can’t change the past but i can change the future. So for today I am another day sober.